This sort or like Newton's law but completely different. You know...for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. But not quite. And I don't have to time to think of which law it is exactly like this morning, so we'll go with it's some kind of theory for now, but for sure not Newton...just something like it. Good things happen - I'm finding grace in small things....in as many ways as I can. But I don't feel like they are, by themselves, stand alone graceful things. They are full of conditions or trickery or twisted feelings and such. I've never had my mind feel so messed up as I have these past few months. Not even after Zac died. I know part of it's medication related, part of it's lupus related (it can cause chronic depression and you can become depressed from having a chronic illness...so double whammy!), part of it's just me related and my bad anxiety, and part of it's situational...where I am and what's going on in my life. Part of it's my job and my lack of desire to be there right now. But my "graces" are conditional upon something...or propped up by something....or teetering on something. Good with the bad. But here they are.
1. Talking about things - but still feeling like the wall is way up
2. Taking a long nap - induced by sedatives
3. Having someone make dinner for you - and eating when you don't want to
4. Sharing your thoughts before bed - only to find out the other person's are pretty scary and then you can't sleep because you are pretty disturbed
5. Loving someone - enough to let go
That's what I have for now. It's only 6:55 a.m. So we'll see. Maybe I'll find more grace today. That's my goal. Maybe a Grace 34b or something. I hope you have a good day. Send me some positive energy if you have any to spare. I could sure as hell use it today.
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