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I didn't sleep much last night. This neck/shoulder tightness is really hurting. I put on the heating pad, put on more tiger balm, took1/2 a muscle relaxer and some ibuprofen. Nada. Got up at 3 and took another muscle relaxer....nada. My right arm is all weak and tingly. I'm glad my head doesn't hurt or I'd be worried I'm having a stroke from all the g.d. stress of the past few months. I know it's probably a stress knot or something...but I don't have anyone to rub it out for me and I can't do it left-handed, so I'll have to figure something out. DAMN. This sucks, too.

I was very sad yesterday. I had such a hard day. I cried a lot. I long for the weekends when I can spend time with the person I love. I HATE HATE HATE my job and the weekend is the one time I don't have to worry about it and can relax and feel a little less stressed. I mean, if you read my blog, you know the kind of environment I work in...the people I work with. They are just so peachy! But this weekend, like last weekend, I am alone, again.

Last weekend I was sad for a completely different reason (Zac's birthday...boy that was a tough one...) and this weekend because someone wants space from me. God, that's crushing....especially when I really need that person. But I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me...wants to run away from me. Good Lord no! I would hate to be on the other end of that and wanting to run away from someone - to desperately get away. geeze. If you really need that much space from someone...how good can the relationship be? The fact that I make somebody want to leave town, seriously pack their shit and leave, someone who says they love me....that makes me feel so unloved and so unwanted. And I felt like that for many years with TC. I won't feel that way again. I would rather have the hope of finding someone who loves me and WANTS to BE AROUND ME, than be with someone who periodically needs to leave because they can't stand to be around me. We all need space. But that shuts me out completely. And that isn't ok.

My heart is just so broken right now. I don't know what to say or do or how to act. The one person I want to talk to...to hold and to plan my future with is the one who wants to be away from me. So, once again, rejection. It hurts. I should be used to it. I should know that I am probably way too much for most people to handle. We all have baggage, but I guess mine is more than some people can deal with...and that's ok. I just have to decide that I am enough for me. That I am all I need. But right now I have a huge hole in my heart and all it wants is for things to be like they were when they were good. I don't think it'll ever happen because it wasn't reality. I liked what I had seen. I wanted what was offered. But when the going got tough, looks like the tough got going...right out the f'n door.

So what do I do now? I don't know. I guess just keep getting my just desserts. My "exactly what you deserve" and my karmic paybacks. I deserve them. Every one of them. I accept them. I just don't know if I'll make it through this time. I am battle worn already. And my heart is already so broken and raw, and I don't have a big group of friends anymore to pull me out of my funk. I threw it all away and willing so for someone who now doesn't want to be near me. Who needs more space....and to think...he was worried about smothering me. ha! What a fool I am.

Grace:
1. the heating pad
2. coffee that doesn't taste like cigarettes
3. mindy's phone calls
4. online refill for Rx's
5. Kleenex

anti-grace:
1. feeling rejected
2. being shut out
3. not being able to say FUCK IT and just leave
4. opening up my heart again and having it crushed
5. being alone - again

Blitter: i'm going to blow my nose now. woo hoo!