50

T broke up with me last night and I am crushed. My heart is slashed, ripped apart, bleeding in my chest, but I will make it. This rejection is so difficult, esp when I'm trying my hardest and my best isn't good enough.



All my crying and being sad and irritable...symptoms of serotonin/dopamine withdrawal. Every little word hurts when your brain is trying to pull itself together. It'll get better as the new meds continue working and we quit the see-sawing of starting/stopping. But I think it was too much to handle. I make him sad, too, and for that, I am sorry. I don't ever want to make anyone sad, but here lately....I'm golden at it.



I said some things I didn't mean the other night- out of anger and out of drunkenness and out of frustration. I know we all have done those things. And those things he can't forgive me for. I have forgiven him for the things he has done and said to me... I'm just that kind of person. Turn the other cheek. Life, for me, is too short to be angry or hurt for so long. I have lost too much and know how precious life is with the ones we love...we never have enough time with them, no matter how long it seems. But he and I are different people and forgiving me for things I said out of anger or drunkenness is not in the cards. Maybe someday he will see that I am sorry. I can only apologize so much. But be sure when I do, I mean it.



Right now he needs to get his "priorities" in order, and I am not one of them. His son, his work, and I don't know what else. Us as a couple is not his priority. And that hurts. But I understand. I guess you have to take care of numero uno. I just thought I was going to be a priority, too. We both gave up so much to be together. He says he loves me still and isn't running out on me. For that I am thankful.



So now, I pick up the pieces. I don't know where to go from here. I am safe and have a roof over my head and he isn't walking out the door. But walking out of my heart and leaving a very empty, bare space behind. It hurts so much to lose the ones you love. Please send me some positive energy, prayers, chants, love, e-hugs...whatever you can spare today and for a while. I REALLY need them right now.



Grace:

1. being held when i needed it

2. support from my friends and family

3. fitting into my skinny-ish jeans

4. spring break starts after today

5. not giving up even though i am about "-" that far from it...where this strength is coming from, i don't know. but i pray that it grows stronger and stronger because i don't want to lose out on life.

BONUS: 6. letting go of the drinking to calm my nerves...that was short lived but it helped while the meds were picking back up. i'm glad i'm not an alcoholic! i couldn't handle the hangovers! or the shame over stupid sh!t i do when i have too much to drink.



Blitter: This too shall pass.



I can't eat. I feel like vomiting.