51 & 52 / 365 - Thanks & Updates

Travis and I went to Dusti's baby shower in Houston yesterday. I was not in any shape mentally to do much and I am so thankful for an understanding family who helped me out. BAILED me out. I will make it up to you all, I swear. I am feeling better and better each day. The new medication is really really working. I am forever grateful for a doctor who understands that finding the right medication is a challenge and is willing to work on getting me BACK to being me.

I am a difficult case, so to speak. I am very sensitive to many medications, additives, foods, preservatives, etc., so finding something that doesn't mess with my body's immune system AND helps me be me is a HUGE challenge. Thank you Dr. G. You rock. Having allergies to everything under the sun sucks. :(

I posted pics of the baby shower stuff on my Facebook. I will try to post them here later on. I took them with my BlackBerry and with very shaky hands, so they aren't the best, but you will get the general idea. I know there were lots of other cameras taking shots, so I'll get some of those photos and post them for you to see, too, when I can.

Mentally, today, I am feeling better. I am finding my power again. I am finding my strength. I am finding ME again, and it's a good feeling. I knew I was in there. I knew it! I just had to get all those bad chemicals out, the RIGHT chemicals in, and the old brain working back the way it's supposed to be. The mind is a mystery and a complex organ. Serotonin withdrawal sucks and some of those meds take a LONG LONG time to get out of the system and the new meds take 4-6 weeks to start working. So it's a rough road in between.

The vit D deficiency isn't helping it out much either, but I can already tell with the supplements that I am doing better. Also, the vit B 12 deficiency is improving, too. I still have a big bruise on my arm from the injections/boluses at the doctor's office, but it's healing....slowly. I am very tired, still. Partly from the medications for stress, partly from the stress, partly from being vit deficient, partly from not eating (stupid anorexia has a way of popping it's nasty head up when I don't need it, but I've lost 10 lbs. and that hasn't hurt anything, I'll tell ya!), and partly from the lupus. It takes a lot out of you. Stress and lupus do not go together hand in hand.

I was invited to a party last night and really wanted to go. It was so nice to receive such a sweet invitation! I was EXHAUSTED after the trip to Houston and back, among the other issues, and just couldn't make it out. I slept a long, long time and feel pretty rested today. I can't believe it's almost 2:30! WOW! How the day has flown by. I hope that you, my friends, will continue to invite me out. I WILL take you up on it now that I am feeling better and can be in public without being a tearful mess. Thanks for not giving up on me. I know what it's like to be on the other end and having to support someone who is soooo down. I'll always be here for you if you need ME, too. So call me. Just because I'm going through a rough time doesn't mean I can't be your shoulder to cry on, too.

I will ALWAYS be here for you, my friends. That's what we do when we love each other. We support each other. We are there for each other. We don't let each other down. So I am here, too. Going through life, like everyone else. THROUGH life. Not stopping. Not giving up, even when we so desperately want to and feel like there is no out...no future...no hope. I feel like that a lot when the meds are all messed up. I felt like that after Zachary died. But here I am! Alive and kicking! AMAZING! To me at least. I don't know how I did it. Grace granted to me through God or whomever is up there taking care of my weary old soul. Blessings and white light and positive energy from you. I am here and so thankful that I have continued to live and experience all the things I have been blessed with. I mean, I just went to PRAGUE for Pete's sake! If I had given up, I never would have done that. What else lies in store for me???

I can only imagine that it's going to be better and better. And I am going to stick around and find out. Through these heart aches and sad times. Through the so-so times and the rough days and the uncertainty of it all. I WILL COME OUT ON TOP. And all the nay-sayers can kiss my ass. A certain someone whom I spent 10 agonizing years of my life with talked with me the other day on the phone for a while. We got out a lot of old shit that made me feel better. He FINALLY took responsibility for his actions. He FINALLY told me it WAS HIM, and not me, that had been the issue. I knew that in my heart all along, but hearing him SAY it made a big difference. I still struggle with all those insecurities he ingrained in me. All those doubts and troubles he placed on me that I have carried with me for so long...that even though I knew they weren't true, it was good for me to finally hear him admit it. And I am glad to have that chapter closed. Now if I could just get my money back.... :)

Grace in small (and BIG things!) :
1. family who knows you can't do it and bails you out
2. support from those who love you
3. words of encouragement when you least expect them
4. a card in the mail from Aunt Monica...just what I needed!
5. seeing my nieces and nephews...I miss you guys, too
6. a long, restful sleep
7. sticking to what I know is right for my heart
8. a long hot shower
9. plans with friends
10. a WHOLE WEEK OF NO WORK!!!! :)

Blitter: I'm going to paint my nails!

Love you all. Bigger and better things are on the way. I JUST KNOW IT!