Just ugh

It's almost midnight on a Saturday night. I have sort of enjoyed my day. Sort of not. I went shopping (good) but didn't get anything I wanted or needed (bad). I ate lunch with Shannon (good) but ate the guacamole (bad). I made a list of things I need to do (good) but didn't do any of them (bad). Was supposed to talk to a friend today (good) but didn't end up happening and not sure why (bad). I watched "The Wizard of Oz" and "Christmas Vacation" (double good), but didn't get off my butt and exercise like I intended to (bad).

I am not sure when I am going to Houston...maybe Tues or Wed. Depends on when I get all my stuff done here at home. I am ready to go and be with my family. I am just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I am hoping that I will feel a little more "cheerful" once I get to Mom's. I just don't want any drama and I know it's going to be a little drama filled...lots of stuff going on right now, but I know things will work out ok. I just hate that my sibs are having a hard time and there isn't anything I can do to help. It is stressful to me.

T is distressing me. I know things with him shouldn't, but they do. He was supposed to talk to me today (like that's some sort of favor or something...but that was the plan) and I haven't heard from him all day. I don't know whether to be worried (his line of work can be dangerous) or if I should be mad (b/c it hurts my feelings to be ignored and he does it a lot - so not too unusual) or if I should just say fuck it...take the lead...and get him out of my life forever. I know it's a dead end street. It has been for a long time. But I really enjoy being around him. I know we still have something there...but I feel like I'm his "dirty little secret" or he doesn't trust me. I mean, he won't even be my friend on Facebook. Seriously. Juvenile. He's so afraid something is going to fuck up his career and I guess I am a liability. Interesting.

He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore...he doesn't ever say he misses me...he has made it abundantly clear "we are not a couple"....which he couldn't make any more confusing when he comes over all the time and is so tender with me. I don't know what he gets out of this situation. I don't want to be his "friend" or his "friend with benefits". We are way past that sort of thing. Maybe it's just hard for him to let go, too. Maybe he enjoys torturing me. :( I don't know.

Sorry....just had to vent about that today. I go back and forth btwn worrying something has happened to him and being pissed b/c he isn't responding to me and I have no idea why. If he didn't do it so much I would really be worried. But I am the last thing on his priority list. Which, since we aren't "a couple", what can I say? Not much. Anyway.....whatever. I hope he is ok.

I'm going to watch some more TV and then go to bed. I hope you all have a great weekend.