Yesterday

It was great and then it totally sucked. It started out pretty good - doing an immunization clinic. Extra money never hurt anyone and there was some nice eye candy there, for sure.

My plan after that was to come home, clean house, and get ready for my date. Yes, a real live, official date!

I drank a glass of wine w/my small lunch. Wanted to save room for dinner, and wanted to calm my nerves a little bit. I don't know why I have a hard time thinking other people won't enjoy being around me. It never is that way...well, most of the time. But I thought the wine would help.

But I started getting a migraine. Which sucks!!! Who wants a migraine when they have a date? I think the stress of the date was partly to blame - and also the weather. So I took some migraine medicine and some ibuprofen. I cleaned for a bit, enjoyed some more wine...and then a little more...and still had a bad headache.

I accidentally texted Travis about my date, instead of texting one of my work friends. OOPS! And that's where it all started going downhill with no chance of recovery. He texted back. Which I don't care if he knows I have a date. It's not like he's my boyfriend anymore. But we do spend a lot of time together...only when HE wants to, though. And it's not a good situation. He knows I still have feelings for him. He also knows that being around him is very hard for me, but we both still keep doing it....so there you go. We ended up on a long phone conversation that basically consisted of me crying and him not being very comforting. And we are still not boyfriend - girlfriend and will never be again. He makes that very clear...yet he still comes around, we hang out, we eat dinner, watch TV, etc.

I tried to take a nap b/c my head was pounding at that point, but I was really too upset to rest. So I decided another glass of wine would calm me down. (<--not smart, I know). It didn't. But I went ahead with my afternoon and tried to get everything ready for my date. He was coming over to my apt for dinner. I know I drunk dialed some people (sorry) and vented about Travis. I have great friends. Thanks for putting up w/me. But they encouraged me to go ahead and fun on my date and forget about the dead end road that is Travis. Smart, too!!!

At this point, I am already emotionally exhausted, but still want to have a nice evening. My head is KILLING ME, so I take some more migraine medicine. My date texts me he is on his way and at that point I notice my battery is about dead on my phone (possibly from all the drunk dialing I was doing during the day). So I go plug it in. I sat down on the bed to get the cord and thought...oh if I could just rest my head for a few minutes, I'll feel much better and a decent host. BIG MISTAKE.

I fell asleep/passed out on my bed (you really should NOT mix wine with migraine meds....BAD IDEA). I didn't wake up until about three this morning. My phone has a bad habit lately of shutting itself off (my friends know this - I know....I need to take it in or get a new battery...something...) and it picked that time to shut off. To boot it back up, you have to take the battery out, wait about one minute, and then try to reboot it. It's doing it more and more frequently which sucks. Needless to say, my date came over, knocked on the door, didn't get a response (which I often don't hear the front door from the back of the apt, esp if the TV is on - my friends know this, too). He tried to call, but my damn phone had turned itself off. So his call didn't wake me up.

I don't know how long he waited. I know he must have been hurt and furious (b/c I know I would be!) and confused. So when I woke up at three...I was MORTIFIED!!! All my dinner I had prepared sat cold on the counter, my date was stood up, my head STILL freaking hurt, and I felt hungover. Awesome. Just great. And now he is really mad at me (I don't blame him) and thinks I lied to him about it all.

It seemed many elements conspired against this date last night - most of them self-inflicted, I suppose, but the phone thing I couldn't help. The wine w/meds, totally all me. So that's what happened. A perfectly normal, nice gentleman wants to drive from SAN ANTONIO (I know....I am drive-worthy) to have a nice dinner with me and I screw it all up. I disappoint myself. I am angry at myself. I let Travis get the best of me emotionally, I sabotaged myself w/wine and meds, and I hurt some body's feelings pretty bad. I am not perfect. Nobody is, but this is really shitty and I feel awful. I thought about rescheduling the date after the phone call w/T, but decided no - I want to have a nice time w/someone who actually wants to be around me for me. That'll be nice. No expectations...just a nice dinner. And I totally f'd it up.

I think I may join SV on the wagon for a while. Alcohol isn't on my diet anyway, so I'll feel better physically (in more ways than one) by not drinking. This just sucks. The whole day and the fact my date is mad and that I missed out on having a good time w/a nice person.

Anyway, that's what happened and I don't want to talk about it. I feel bad enough without reliving it again and again. So, I apologize to Tim, and to all my friends I aggravated yesterday and I hope that I can just move on. I write this so one, I don't have to tell everyone what happened over and over; and two- so that one day I can look back and see what was going on in my life - hopefully it'll be from a better point; and three - b/c this blog is about my life...and not all of it is roses and sunshine and cupcakes. Sometimes it sucks. But it's me.