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NOTE: I want to reiterate that this blog is my personal journal...my diary of sorts. It is instrumental for me to put my thoughts down...my feelings and emotions at THE TIME they are PRESENT in my head and in my heart. That doesn't mean that in 30 minutes things won't change. This blog is never meant to hurt anyone, disrespect anyone, hurt any one's feelings, or disparage any one's reputation.

My therapists have said it is A GOOD THING that I keep it - that I KEEP GOING WITH IT - that I keep writing in it. It is a valuable tool to help me put my thoughts down and keep a record of how I feel, watch my progress, my down slides, my improvements. It's healthy for me. It is also a way that I can keep my family and friends updated on what's going on in my life without having to make 50 phone calls a day. Of course, I still call, but I don't have to repeat the same stuff over and over...just follow-up questions and answers.

I just wanted to restate these facts for those of you who know me well and who sometimes pop up on these posts. It's nothing personal. It's about ME. MY LIFE. The good and the bad. The happy times and the not so happy times. And it helps me to get out a lot of things that I can't say out loud or don't have anyone to say them to. So take it all with grain of salt and know that with the med changes (geeze! how many since December??? 3? plus how many of those did they change the dosages on???? ALL of them about every TWO WEEKS) I am a little up and down more than normal. This new med is working very well and I think we have found a winner!!! We upped the dosage a few days ago and now I am feeling more like ME than ever before. So sometimes, these are sad or frustrated posts. When your moods are on a roller coaster, it's hard to realize that it's the medication making you so grumpy. I know I am still responsible for my actions, but I need some slack given, you know? Deep down, I am a good, loving person who doesn't want to hurt anyone - physically or emotionally. There's already enough badness in the world. Why add to it???

So, here we are. A new day. A sunny, cool, less breezy day than yesterday - full of possibilities. What will happen? Who knows. I just know that there are a lot of good people out there - my family and my friends (most of whom are so far away - I wish you were closer) that support me and love me and want the best for me. They want me to be happy. And I'm getting there. Today I am going to be happy. That's my plan. I am going to do the things I want to do and enjoy my time with me. I am a pretty decent person for the most part. Difficult at times? Absolutely. But I have a big heart and it has had many breaks over it's life - loves lost, deaths - my son, my great-grandparents, friends; and my own self-doubts which I work so hard to overcome.

My therapist and I are working on my "Should Book". I don't know if any of you have ever heard this term before, but basically she says it is "installed" in you between the ages of 2-5 yrs. It is how you form your opinions about trust, safety, etc. And after about the age of 5 or so, it becomes very quiet, but it is very powerful. It is automatic. It runs how we deal with everything in our lives. How we respond and react. Some of those rules installed in this "Should Book" are good! And some are not so good. So we are starting to identify what MY rules are in my own "Should Book" and figure out what I can get rid of, and what I should keep. TRUST is the big one we were working on last week. People leaving me - that part of trust - is the big issue, we discovered.

My life during those ages was not that stable - being moved from house to house, parent to great-grandparent, etc. And then after that age, as well, same issues. Then at age 6, my great-grandfather (who I consider to be my father) died of cancer. Another person leaving. And it goes on. So, this week we'll see how I can deal with my trust/abandonment issues and find tools for me to use to not worry so much. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. I really like my new therapist. She has a lot of answers and a lot of resources up in that head of hers. And she has really cool hair. :) She's a doll and I just love her. MUCH better than the last one I had who tried to pigeon-hole me into having MPD or Bi-polar, which I am absolutely not. What a mess that was. And when she figured out I wasn't either one of those, she was like, "OK. I think you're good. Let's let your doctor work on your meds. I think you just need your meds adjusted." SERIOUSLY??? Yeah, I know.

Well, that's really all I have to say today. It's a lot. It's very personal. And if you don't want to read anymore, that's ok, too. But I will keep writing here, because it's good for me. And I need some good for me, too.

Grace:
1. NO WIND!
2. a good night's rest
3. not feeling quite as sick at my stomach as I did yesterday. Boy! I don't know if it was a virus or lunch, but I was ssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccckkkkkkkkk.
4. phone calls from friends who REALLY understand what's going on with me
5. smelling the rosemary plant on my patio - I love the way it smells!

Blitter: I am going to clean this apt. and then re-pot that rosemary!

Hope you all have a great Sunday.